Mop-Up Nitro (Flashback May/June 1999)
By Hyatte
Mop-Up Nitro
Continuing the Nitro half of the special "Owen Mop-Up", pay special attention to the Closer. That's all I have to say.
Oh, and that if I DID get to recapping this week, my head surely would have exploded trying to articulate all the UNBRIDLED FURY that burned through me once I saw that Nitro just is not done with this... this... MANCOW IMBECILE!!!
Yeah... good, WCW... have a radio DJ take out two professional workers (and that swish, Jimmy Hart) with a garbage can... oh yeah.. that ain't too insulting... oh no.
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You know, last week's Nitro was really the smartest move Bischoff ever pulled. He knew that he would get demolished in the ratings (and yet, Nitro pulled in solid 3's across the boards...doing better last week than in the two weeks before...I am shocked, and more than a little saddened by those numbers...I would hope that EVERY wrestling fan would have abandoned Nitro and join the WWF is their final farewell to one of our own), yet he programmed a normal Nitro and tried his best to compete.
Allowing Schiavone and Heenan to register their sadness and dismay over Owen Hart was a nice touch too. Same with giving his wrestlers the option of wearing a black armband as they worked (somehow....before he even came out..I just KNEW that Dallas Page would be wearing one). Kudos to Bischoff for doing the best he could under the circumstances.
Then of course...F-ing Hogan opened his clueless mouth and ruined the whole show. I hope someone finds him one day in a stall at a gas station Men's Room bound, gagged, and with 20 of his bandannas jammed up in his Lunch chamber.
NITRO (or: Tank Abbot?!? Now we'll see some ratings!!!)
-opens with Raven walking around outside....no direction...no destination....just walking....on his own.....like a complete unknown.....like a rolling stone.
-When suddenly.....out of NOWHERE....(or as nowhere as a completely open parking lot surrounded by screaming fans will allow)...Bam Bam Bigelow and "Diamond" Dallas Page attack Raven and jam him in a garbage dumpster. Then they position his head and SLAM the....err......plastic lid shut on his head. (Okay...so it was plastic...but by God it was a RUGGED plastic!!!!!!)
-Then Raven poked his head out of the dumpster...and with a smirk said, "What a pair of marks", then winked to the camera.
-WE HAVE NEW TAG CHAMPS!!!!!!! Well, not YET.....but they couldn't have been more obvious if they had Dillenger brand it on is forehead with his unHoly finger.
-Those rat bastard fans......COULDN'T THEY HAVE WARNED RAVEN???? WHAT ABOUT HIM??? WHAT ABOUT RAVEN?????
-opening theme
-last week, a whole lot of stuff happened in WCW...but since none of it included anyone dying....nobody really noticed.
-well....Piper's career dies a little every week.....but it's a slow death...slow and boring...and nobody is crying over it either.
-What better way to kick off a live NITRO with some semi-live NITRO GIRLS!!!!! I swear one of them had a sign that said, "THIS SPACE FOR RENT" on her forehead.
-ick..what a horrible way to kick off a live Nitro Recap....bad joke
-Oh thank God...Tony Schiavone assures us that they are on for 3 hours tonight.
-BIG CAGE match for tonight...Sting vs Rick Steiner!!!!!!
-Rick Steiner?
-Rick Steiner????
-Sting I can see but Rick Steiner????
-Both of his fans must be marking out by now
-DJ Raid (Kills white folks...dead...then takes their wallets) says "yeah yeah" about 9 times then asks where the "rowdiest people in the Astrodome are"? My guess would be over at the refund desk, demanding their money back.
-The camera flashes a sign that reads, "RUSTY HYATT BULLDOG U RULE" Close enough for me....thank you my friend....but remember the "E" at the end.
-Then DJ Bland introduces "My Man"....Eddie Guerrero!!! I'll bet three of my best toes that DJ has never met Eddie.
-My God All Mighty.....Eddie got PASTY!!!!! His hair got all LIMP!!!!!! And he gained about 50 POUNDS!!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?? WHY DID HE LET HIMSELF GO LIKE THA.....
-Oh...wait....the camera just flashed back to Tony Schiavone.....my bad.
-Tony is back to his normal attire.......I heard that the PR guy who tried to give him a makeover hung himself with a tube of Brillo Creme in one hand a note saying, "DAMMIT, MOSES HAD IT EASIER WITH THAT RED SEA TRICK" in the other.
-ahhh....THERE'S Eddie Guerrero...looking like he is down to 2% body fat and loving it. He makes his way to the announcer table...stopping briefly to look at the camera and whisper, "Viva La Familia!!!"......nice to see Eddie's little "car accident"...taught him the meaning of the word "respecto"!!!!
-Eddie joined the Announcers and shook Tony's hand...then after wiping Tony's hand sweat off on his pant leg, he shook Heenan's hand.
-They showed pictures of the car that Eddie had his.....heh....."accident"...we know it's his car because of the Taco Bell wrappers on the dash board.
-Eddie said that he had a Lacerated Liver.....I had one of those.....with a little sautéed Mushrooms and some caramelized Onions.....good stuff.
-Then Eddie.....(or is that "Eddy"?.....or "Eddee"?......or "EdTV"?) said that it was good to be back.....Tony ended it by using Eddie's accident as an example of the TOUGHNESS OF WCW ATHELETES!!!!!! WCW ATHLETES WALK AWAY FROM TRAGIC ACCIDENTS!!!! THEY DON'T WIMP OUT AND DIE LIKE SOME OTHER PEOPLE!!!! WCW: WE STAY ALIVE DAMMIT!!!!)
-Tony was going to announce that their first match of the night was about to begin.....then he stopped short and stared with his mouth opened as someone in the control room was SCREAMING into his headset......Tony was so flustered that he started to stutter like a 15 year old in a whorehouse.....I will bet ANYTHING that it was Bischoff yelling, "YOU FORGOT TO GET EDDIE TO PUT ME OVER YOU A$$HOLE!!!!! EDDIE HAS TO TELL EVERYONE WHAT A NICE FU&^%ING GUY I AM YOU FAT IDIOT!!!!!!"
-Hak and Chastity came to the ring as Tony silently listened to Bischoff berate him over the headset.....then Eddie basically told us that he was always too good for ECW...even when he was in ECW.
-Kidman came out.....we have a wrestling technician going up against a die hard brawler......and the winner is anyone who decided to take this time to sample "Everyone Loves Raymond"
-Anyone else notice that Hak lost that famous beer gut he had? It's all gone...he's damn right skinny now!!
-3 minutes into the match, TANK ABBOTT came out with 3 or 4 of his buddies......Tank walked up to the announcers and told Tony that he'll be refereeing the cage match tonight. I'll say this for him, he's well spoken.
-He's also a lot smaller.....I'm no expert on UFC History, but didn't he used to be a HELL of a lot bigger?
-Meanwhile, Chastity was busy putting on a little "show" with Hak's Singapore Stick for the ringside fans.....so far she had 30 $1 bills hanging from various parts of her outfit....see..this is what happens when you hire PORN STARS!!!!
-My God.....half that stick suddenly vanished...
-My God...methinks young Miss Chastity left her razor at home......she's got a regular Briar Patch going.
-Chastity went over to the announcer's table...Eddie tried to pay her in pesos......Chastity told him that it takes real American dinero to see her taco......Tony was busy signing over the deed to his house.
-Meanwhile.....Hak was busy propping up tables and a ladder in the ring.....and made liberal use of them. He used REAL wooded tables this time...very painful looking.
-Then Humorous and Brian Knobbs showed up...the bell rang....Hak and Kidman took a beating.
-Didn't EVERYONE (Samuda, Scherer, Isaacs, Jablomee) report that Jimmy Hart was shitcanned by Bischoff? Why is he still there?
-backstage, Flair was on the phone making sure that the hookers were ready for later that night...then he spent what seemed like 5 minutes with JJ Dillon making sure that Savage's elbow was banned.
-commercials
-clip from THUNDER where "Mean" Gene Okerlund tried to sell us on the idea that Rick Steiner and Sting would be working a "SHOOT" cage match tonight. It ended with Steiner slugging it out with Tank Abbott. It's been well over a year since it's inception...and yet I have YET to be interested in watching any episode of "Thunder"
-Dreading another lecture, Tony IMMEDIATLEY led Eddie into a speech about how Eric Bischoff kept him ON THE WCW PAYROLL during his time on the DL....and for that, Eric is a man who MUST BE LOVED PEOPLE!!!!!!! ERIC TYREATS HIS WRESTLERS WTH CARE!!!!! WITH RESPECT!!!!!! AND INJURED OR NOT...YOU CAN SLEEP EASILY WITH THE FACT THAT ERIC BISCHOFF TREATS EACH AND EVERYONE IN HIS EMPLOY LIKE MEMBERS OF HIS FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!
-Eric didn't fire Austin because he was INJURED and a LIABILITY......he fired him because he knew Austin was a lost cause!!!!!!!! How the HELL could Eric possibly market a guy who dresses in black trunks and black boots...there is no style there!!!!! What? Are you CRAZY!!!!!
-And Sean Waltman???? Please....what could he POSSIBLY offer ANYONE???
-Eric Bischoff!!!! Because he CARES Dammit!!!
-I wonder if Eddie is one of the ten people Eric will push?
-"Diamond" Dallas Page and Bam Bam Bigelow came to the ring and said that we don't DESERVE a tag team title match for later that night.....but we'll get one anyway. Why is WCW pushing the "Because the fans DESERVE it" angle all of the sudden?
-By the way....it was here where I saw that the "Astrodome"...where Nitro is being held tonight....is LITTERED with empty seats....wow...maybe it's time to ease up on the dome shows for a while. This ain't the Nitro of old anymore.
-commercials
-backstage a visibly blasted Mike Tenay catches up with Saturn and Kanyon and tells them that Raven is dead and Page wants a tag title shot....Kanyon volunteers his services as a tag partner. The highlight of this segment was watching Kanyon's dopey "Look Ma, I'm ACTING!" facial expressions.
-speaking of Kanyon's acting ability....I can't believe that Rick Scaia actually admitted to not only WATCHING the Jesse Ventura movie, but he actually TAPED it!!! Has he EVER gotten a blowjob?
-DJ Ranch takes no chances and asks if there were any "Astrofans" in the Astrodome tonight.....out of spite I heard a bunch of people scream, "WELL DUUUH"!!!
-The DJ said that "my man" Curt Hennig don't like hip hop.......and Rad has a "problem wit dat!"
-Hip Hop.......for Christ sakes......the land where white boys dress like the Brothers (with the difference being..the "Brothers" actually look COOL) and where Brian Austin Green gets to show that he can neither act NOR can he sing.
-Tony and Bobby hype the living shit out of everything that will go down during RAW
-Then Curt Hennig showed up......obviously to address DJ Rad's "problem" with him. Hennig assures us all that his wallet is safely locked in his locker....and he just swallowed the key
-Then he said that he is sick of "rap" because it's a bunch of "crap".....(I say that rap is NOT technically "hip hop"....look at it this way, I have no singing voice at all....but if I found the right producer, I could become a "hip hop" star......BUT I could NEVER be a "rapper"...because I can't rap....and because I'm white.....and because Eminem is a phreak)
-word to your mother
-Hennig wanted to prove that he is a "cowboy" through and through and can sing a mean Country Music song...even though he's from Minnesota.....which is about as "Country" as Harlem is "Polka"...
-Then he took off towards the DJ....and was joined by Cowboy Bobby dunCUM Jr.
-They made their way to the DJ Booth......I SWEAR I saw Henning try to bang his knee several times against anything nearby in order to blow it out and put and end to this humiliation before it could even begin
-No such luck.....Henning made it to the Booth...chased away the DJ....and so began the LOWEST POINT EVER IN THIS POOR MAN'S CAREER!!!!!
-Oh God.....I'm begging you people...WILL SOMEONE IN THE CROWD GO OVER AND KICK OUT HENNIG'S KNEE!!!!!!! PUT HIM ON THE SHELF FOR ANOTHER 6 MONTHS SO WE CAN FORGET ABOUT THIS!!!!
-I truly feel that Rock is dead........(although Limp Bizkut may very well lead the charge and bring it back home....MAN..do they ROCK!!!)
-I'm still on the fence about this Kid Rock dude......what's his story?
-Anywhoo..Hennig and dunCUM were busy putting and end to the "Mr Perfect" gimmick once and for all....
-Then Konnan and Rey Mysterio Jr came out.....dressed EXACTLY ALIKE!!!!! (Does Rey know that he looks like the ULTIMATE prison bitch now? Is this Nash's idea of a big JOKE???)
-Konnan wanted to "Ph.D. the strawberries who wanted to flex on the mic".....you know....I never really seriously shooting myself in the face...until now.
-They start to brawl.....I hope dunCUM shoots a load right into Rey's mouth...because he looks like he's used to it.
-I'm done with this.....Hennig doesn't deserve this....nor do we.
-commercials
-more past crap with Hennig and Konnan......
-okay..quick quiz!! What do if you hire a wrestler and make his gimmick a heavy metal, hair band rocker; but the problem is that the hair metal era died out 2 years earlier?
-answer: send him away for a while, then bring him back as a Member of Raven's Flock
-Quiz: Then what do you do if you REALLY see some potential in this guy...yet he isn't getting heat in the Flock?
-Answer: Turn him into a good guy
-Quiz: Then what do you do if the good guy is just as boring as the bad guy?
-Answer: Take him away for a while, then bring him back as a groovy relic from the "60s
-Quiz: What if that doesn't work either?
-Answer: Dress him like DDP, make him meaner and less 60's..and....and...scream "Aw FU*& IT!!" and FIRE HIS LAMO ASS!!!!
-CORRECT!!!!!!! Unfortunately, you are apparently overqualified to make the book for WCW...so no job for you.
-Van Hammer took on Evan Karagias......I simply refuse to go on.
-commercials
-Okerlund had a "very special guest at this time".....he even supplied us with some clues...
-1) "In on the ground floor with professional wrestling! BROKE LOOSE in the 1980's!"
-okay...since this is WCW..that narrows the field down to 78 people...
-2) "Still a MAJOR PLAYER as we enter a brand new Millenium...."
-okay....again, this is WCW...where only the people who were around in the 80's gets to be "major players"...
-3) "This guy has been able to juggle simultaneous careers as one of WCW's GREATEST Superstars, a LEADING man in the movie business, and also a LEADING man to his wife and six wonderful children!!"
-hmmmm.......that knocks out Sting....who had to rat out on everyone else in order to keep his arse in his house.
-4) "You don't make too many friends in this business, but I consider him a friend!"
-5) "He is an ICON!"
-Let's see Superstar who broke loose in the 80's?
-Leading man in film???
-WCW Superstar?????
-Leading man to his wife and 6 kids???????
-My God.....JASON HERVEY IS BACK ON CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JASON HERVEY IS MAKING HIS RETURN TO THE WCW RING!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Well? Who else COULD it be?
-Of COURSE he's a leading man in film.....am I the only one who remembers his blistering scene stealing performance in "Back to the Future"?
-Remember? The way he took that shaking little snotrag Michael J Fox down with a glint in his eye as he said, "How could you have seen this before? It's brand new?"
-Then he totally closed Fox down with the method way he said, "What's a rerun?"
-HERVEY'S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! WCW IS JUST WEEKS AWAY FROM RECLAIMING THE NUMBER 1 SLOT!!!!!!!!!!
-Hervey came out to bagpipe music...okay..whatever floats your boat I guess....
-Hervey came out...looking OLD.....well, Hollywood will do that to ya'
-Hervey came out wearing a skirt....okay, so he's a Homo too...EVERYONE in Hollywood is for Chrissakes!
-Why do you think they marry beards and adopt 6 kids? Gotta keep the image up!
-Oh...wait...that ain't Hervey...that's Piper who STILL looks old.....oh Christ, does he look OLD.
-Is this another segment where Piper slowly but surely comes around and accepts Eric Bischoff as a good human being? Thus we ALL have to do the same because Piper is in touch with us?
-As always...it's time for another example of THE PIPER INTERVIEW: BY THE NUMBERS!
-1) Draw cheap heat by commenting on something that only that particular city will pop for! ("Houston, how about them ROCKETS!!!!!" You guys were ROBBED!!")
-2) Show that you care by remembering the past. ("Remember this Holiday!! A lot of people died so you could sit there and watch me eat up time!!!)
-3) Make a joke at the current major heel's expense! ("Ric Flair is like a Gelding.....no punchline because I'm tired.")
-4) Make a timely "hip" reference! (This week, he chose to mimic Michael Buffer's trademark introduction)
-5) Even after all that.....if you can STILL hear a pin drop from the third base line.......break out the Emergency Heat Maker!!!
-That's right.....start another brawl with Ric Flair....which he did after a little story development with Dean Malenko
-The segment ended with Piper and Flair chopping the HELL out of each other's bitch tits....those mother f-ers were flapping all over the place.
-I'm curious...are there ANY Piper fans out there? I mean, any fans of the Piper TODAY?
-Tony called them two of the "MOST ESTABLISHED SUPERSTARS IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SPORT!!!!"...which is his way of admitting that they were alive when Atlantis was still above Sea Level.
-One of the Nitro Girls got a solo spot...then another one got her spot..then two more...Heenan called them the "best looking ladies in the world"...this is coming from the man who gave us the "Oinkettes".
-"The Bobby Heenan Show"...man..that was a CLASSIC...my favorite part was whenever the camera went on him, no matter WHAT he was doing, he'd always find the camera and stare into it.
-Rey Mysterio Jr and Konnan came out dressed in identical Prison Attire....I guess WCW is saying that ALL HISPANICS BELONG IN JAIL!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU GOING TO ACCEPT THAT BLATANT AND UNFAIR STEREOTYPE MY HISPANIC AMIGOS?????? DO YOU FIND THIS SORT OF CHARACTERIZATION ACCEPTABLE????? HUH, "ESE"?????
-My God...if you had ANY sort of pride...you'd send the Latin Kings after Bischoff PRONTISIMO!!!!!!!!
-K-Dawg ran through his schtick......I get around to noticing that Eric Bischoff joined the announce team.....obviously Uncle Eric feels that it's time for him to personally work on restoring his image and getting the respect he deserves from the fans. He kicked things off by calling Vince McMahon a "murderer".
-Curt Hennig and Bobby dunCUM Jr showed up to jam. Eric called Hip Hop the "NEXT STEP IN THE EVOLUTION OF POPULAR MUSIC!!!!!!!!" Then called Hennig and dunCUM, "Throwbacks to the tired old era of country music.
-I guess we are supposed to forget the special concert put on by Travis Tritt at the end of last year's "Road Wild"?
-I guess Eric forgot that half of WCW's supporters are from the DEEP SOUTH.....way to alienate your audience "Eazy E"
-This guy is so well thought out...it's AMAZING that he lost the top spot in the ratings.
-Meanwhile......Rey gave Hennig a Bronco Buster...wearing those Prison togs makes it all that much more gay
-COME ON CURT DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!! KICK THE CRAP OUT OF THOSE TWO NACHO MUNCHERS!!!!! VIVA SENIOR PERFECTO!!!! ARRIBA LA OLD SCHOOLIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Listening to Bischoff cheer on the good guys makes me want to go to sleep and hand this on Thursday...oh..wait a minute!
-The audience was HOT for Konnan and Rey.....being Texas..they're probably cheering for their ring attire...
-In fact, I heard one cowboy in the arena scream, "PUT THAT GREASY VARMINT IN THE CHAIR AND I'LL FLIP THE SWITCH M'SELF!!!!! HEEEEEEHAAAWWWWW"....(sigh.....stop the world, I want to get off)
-K-Dick put Hennig in the "Tequila Sunrise"...but dunCUM spray something on him and he slipped off him...next thing we know, Rey and Konnan are being hog tied......
-Hog Tied....YEEESSS!!!!! ROPE "DEM FELONS CURT!!!!!!! TIE EM UP AND STICK THE ELCTRICITY UP THERE ASSES!!!!!!!!! WHOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!
-THE STARS SHINE BRIGHT IN THE SKY TONIGHT!!! (stompstompstompstomp) DEEP IN THE HEARRRRT OF TEXAAASSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Meanwhile....Eric was busy congratulating himself on his NEVER BEFORE THOUGHT OF IDEA of mixing WCW with a Hip Hop record label........then he called the "Insane Clown Posse" a couple of "fronters" -commercials
-Randy Savage came out already wielding a microphone....Bischoff said that Savage has NEVER BEEN CRAZIER SINCE COMING TO WCW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-"MACHO MAN IN DA HOUUUUU...."...then he couldn't finish it.....one could only pray that it was out of shame.
-Savage challenged Nash to a fight tonight.....then said a few other things...
-Madusa came out and said that Nash was in the building....so Savage told him to bring it on -Bischoff, "SEE??? SEE??? NITRO GIVES YOU PEOPLE FREEBEES LIKE THIS ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MORONS WATCHING THAT PRE-TAPED RAW CRAP????? ONLY ON NITRO WILL YOU SEE SAVAGE JOB OUT TO OUR HEAD BOOKER IN RECORD TIME!!!!!!!!!"
-Backstage, Bigelow and Page had knocked out Kanyon......YEEAH!!! DDPEE!!!! GOOD GAWD!!!!!! I AM SO JACKED FOR YOU...JACK!!!! FEEL THE BANG!!!!!!! KARL MALONE RULES MAN!!!!!!!! GO PAGE, GO PAGE, GO PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Now, if Eric would only walk over to him and drop a pink slip on Kanyon's chest, this would be the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-commercials
-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-A sign for Owen Hart is shown.....Tony and Bischoff speak very seriously about what a swell guy Eric was to Bret during this tragedy. Then Eric made a remark about how he personally tested Sting's dropping apparatus before every stunt during his rafter days...because unlike that "other promoter", he ALWAYS puts his well being in front of his athletes!!!
-Then he bragged about how he gave one of his kidneys to "Gentleman" Chris Adams....just in case he needed it.
-Erik Watts took on David Flair...Eric made LOUD AND CLEAR the irony that he was going for here. What was truly hilarious was how he tried to act above such nepotism!
-Did I ever mention that Ernest Miller is a WCW wrestler ONLY because he teaches Eric's kid karate?
-You know...although they're supposed to be "lovers" (they spent 3 weeks in a Hotel room..remember?)....David Flair and Torrie show absolutely NO affection for each other at all....Good Lord, Tom Cruise and Rosie O'Donnell are a more believable couple!
-I...I...I can't stand this. I will NOT sit through this match and listen to Bischoff act disgusted with the way Flair is pushing his son to win all his matches......maybe I'm too much of a "smart"......but I can't take Eric's bullshit. -I DON'T KNOW WHO WON!!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!! I DON'T CARE EITHER!!!!! F-ING BISCHOFF SUCKS!!!!!!
-Oh okay......Flair won....after the match, Torrie shook his hand in congratulations. Are those wedding bells I hear?
-commercials
-past footage of when Savage put lipstick on Nash.
-Backstage, Buff Bagwell wanted something from Flair...something concerning Savage....I wasn't paying attention.
-commercials
-Ernest Cat came out with Sonny Ono in the third hour. Eric Bischoff suddenly talked about everything other than nepotism....
-Did I mention that Eric's kid is a Brown belt? Oddly enough, he only started training the day after Miller made his wrestling debut.....2 years ago
-IT ONLY TOOK BISCHOFF'S KID TWO YEARS TO MAKE BROWN BELT????? HOLY CRAP???? THE KID MUST BE TALENNNNNTED!
-It was funny listening to Eric boast about how proud he is to have the "Best Wrestlers in the World"..while the camera stared at Miller.
-It was funnier listening to Eric try to be humble as he discussed the "mistakes he made in the past and the people he fired who he shouldn't have fired".......this guy...this......FU&^%$G guy....
-This guy is so bad at sincerity...he is a total jackoff.
-Am I being too hard on him?
-NO!!!
-Why?
-Because you have to remember that as he was sitting there being so "humble"..and trying to get himself over as a really nice guy....ERNEST MILLER, WHO HAS NO BUSINESS WORKING IN THE THIRD HOUR WAS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF US BLABBING AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ERNEST MILLER...WHO GOT HIS JOB BECAUSE HE TEACHES ERIC'S SON KARATE!!!!!!!
-So you tell me...am I being to hard on this nitwit?
-Besides....when Miller started to badmouth a ringside fan..guess who was laughing the loudest??? Laughing a really forced laugh as if to say, "Come on..this guy is FUNNY!!!"
-Miller ended up calling out Scott Norton....Bischoff called him "another chump"....then declared that he personally put 2 of Norton's kids through college.
-The match lasted a little while, with a side screen of the NWO (anyone else shudder when they see what the NWO has turned into now? Remember when they were THE group??)
-Then Miller knocked Norton out with a crowbar and scored the pin...the NWO team took off out of fear of Norton when he woke up....too bad, because you can never get enough of Horace's stellar mic work.
-Horace....ANOTHER CASE OF NEPOTISM THAT BISCHOFF CONVEINENTLY FORGOT TO MENTION DURING HIS TIRADE ABOUT FLAIR AND HIS SON!!!!!!
-commercials
-Tony sat back and listened as Bischoff talked up Tank Abbott. It was a solid 2 minute lecture on how Abbott could butt rape Ken Shamrock AND Dan Severn at the same time.
-As Randy Savage came out to the ring....Bischoff jammed his foot in his mouth by declaring that "THE BEST PART OF NITRO IS WHAT HAPPENS DURING THE COMMERCIALS!!!!" I SWEAR...he said that.
-Of course, he MEANT that Nitro is best experienced live.....so he can go back to selling out dome shows instead of staring at all those empty seats at the Astrodome....but like all things Bischoffian, in came out bad.
-I'll stop bitching about him when he SHUTS THE FU&& UP AND GOES BACK TO THE BACKSTAGE WHERE HE GODDAM BELONGS!!!!!!!
-Savage finally came out....
-Then his girls followed him....
-Nash came out...shaking hands with the fans along the way...
-Oh...wait a second..that ain't Nash..it's an impostor...a skinny guy in a dress
-here's ANOTHER angle that's been done to death....
-Savage, Madusa, and Ms Madness took turns beating the fake out.
-Then Gorgeous George climbed to the SECOND rope and delivered an Elbow Drop...which of course, led Tony to witlessly called it a TOP ROPE Elbow Smash
-figure out the rest....
-Nash must be at Owen's funeral tonight.
-commercials
-The Nitro Girls are in the ring....is it me or does Bischoff make this show seem 3 times as long? I keep checking my window to see if it's dawn yet.
-Buff Bagwell beat Bobby Eaton.... Bobby Eaton is working the third hour...just sit back and chew on that for a while.
-Actually, at least Eaton used to be a big deal....and there is no denying his loyalty to the company and vice/versa..so this doesn't bother me as much as...say...Miller of Horace working the third hour.
-aw..the Hell with it....GOD BLESS BOBBY EATON!!!!!!! THAT'S ONE MUCH MOUTH WHO PAID HIS DUES!!!!!!!
-commercials
-DJ Rad is apparently directing this show now...(which explains a LOT)..because he's the one who ordered them to show......
-footage of Raven getting dumped in a dumpster
-Saturn came out alone...he screamed to the camera, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT???" (uhh...right now? Probably RAW).
-Saturn said that he would defend the tag belts solo.....Eric immediately volunteered his heart...in case Saturn's explodes mid match
-Page came out with Bigelow and called Saturn "stupider than he looked"....Bischoff corrected his grammar....
-Then Bischoff talked about Hogan's commitment to "save this business"......save it from what? THE BUSINESS HAS NEVER BEEN HOTTER HULKY YOU FRIGGIN' IDIOT!!!! THIS BUSINESS TODAY SURPASSED THE BUSINESS OF THE 80'S ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO YOU BALD LOSER!!!!!!!!
-WCW and the WWF stand to make around 350 MILLION dollars this year COMBINED.....exactly how does it need to be "saved" again?
-Oh I know...we have to GET AWAY FROM THE PORN SHOW AND GO BACK TO HAVING HOGAN STARE AT THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR IN A MIRROR?
-Hogan and Bischoff....I swear to CHRIST....Sean Shannon makes more sense than these two.
-This is prototypical handicapped action.....to wit...
-A) Face stares at his opponents and prepares for an impossible task
-B) Face shocks everyone by knocking both Heels out of the ring
-C) Announcer BEGS us not to switch channels as the break to some...
-commercials
-D) Face goes to work on one Heel.
-E) Heel sneaks in a clothesline and assumes control.
-F) Heels enjoy advantage
-G) Hyatte sneaks away to pull his pecker over the pin up of "Blue Boy" magazine
-H) Hyatte makes a lame Patterson joke in order to keep up his "Uber Macho" front
-I) Heels stay on advantage....Bischoff acts like the Face just plunged 80 feet from the ceiling and begins eulogizing the great athlete
-J) Face defies all odds and launches a comeback, complete with near pin.
-K) Announcers collectively move their bowels in their trousers in excitement.
-L) Face pulls out finishing move on both Heels. Announcers ask if we believe in miracles.
-M) Face's partner shows up, evening the odds .
-N) Face pulls off a "miracle tag" and tags in his partner.
-O) The partner runs in and runs right into a Heel PUNCH.....Partner goes down and gets pinned. The Heels win the tag belts.
-P) The partner's name is Kanyon.....who sucks...so getting pinned in standard for him.
-Q) Recapper breaths a sigh of relief, because he was running out of letters.
-S) Recapper declares that Bischoff sucks, then declares that the show moved onto some...
-commercials
-see....by the numbers.
-Macho Man and his coozebags were in the Limo...getting ready for a MAJOR Booty Call
-Then Nash shows up in a big truck.....(Huh? I guess he wasn't at the funeral!!)
-Nash got out of the truck muttering, "Any dead Canuck is a good Canuck"...Oh Kevin...I know that Canadians are scuzzy mouth breathers....BUT THAT IS JUST NOT COOL TO SAY!!!!!!!!
-Nash ended up using a hose (and WHAT a hose...no wonder Torrie is always looking dazed and zoned out!!) and dumping a load of.....what looked like puke into the Limo.
-Savage and the chicks were blasted......YEAH NASH!!!!!! GIVE THOSE BITCHES A NICE SHOWER!!!! AND DON'T FORGET TO SOAK DOWN THEIR BALLOON HOLES!!!
-Nash wrapped it up...got back in the truck, and hauled ass...Savage yelled "SON OF A BITCH!" about 12 times....Flair couldn't say it but Savage can.....go figure.
-We find out that it was supposed to be raw sewage that he dumped in there...of course it wasn't, but it was damn sure gross enough either way.
-In a voiceover, Nash said that this segment of Nitro was brought to us by "Louis Septic Services: For all your SAVAGE septic needs!"
-There was nothing in that segment that I didn't thoroughly enjoy.
-This may be the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Thank GOD for Nash...because without him, I don't think I could even stand Nitro anymore.
-commercials
-DJ Rad told the backstage to drop the cage.....he IS running the show now?!?!!? I wonder if Eric handed him the book too?
-Tank Abbott came out with his little posse. Tony seemed to have forgotten that he was the guest ref for tonight's match (his exact words are "Are you KIDDING ME? TANK ABBOTT IS THE GUEST REF FOR TONIGHT'S CAGE MATCH??????"
-Hey Tony.....Jesus F-Ing CHRIST could be guest ref and it wouldn't matter...Austin is about to fight the Undertaker on RAW.....and I don't see anything involving Rick Steiner doing much against that.
-commercials
-Rick Steiner lumbered out....and it seems that Bischoff has left the table....Oh Praise Allah
-Sting came out.....I blame HIM for Owen's death....he made it look so EASY!!!!!
-STING!!!!! YOU ARE A MURD......umm.....maybe not....that may be TOO much.
-The match began.....Sting started it off...
-Steiner fought back...
-Abbott did nothing
-Steiner stayed in control
-Sting fought back
-Steiner moved with the speed of a snail and the grace of a virgin on prom night
-Then Stinger fought back...
-Sting went for the Stinger Splash
-Tank Abbott yanked Steiner away....Sting hit the turnbuckle.
-Abbott hit Sting from behind and Sting went down.
-Steiner used athletic tape to bind Sting's hands to the top rope, then proceeded to kick the crap out of him.....I heard Steiner yell, "A-Hole!! You wife told my wife about that stripper in Orlando!!!! I'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON THE COUCH FOR 4 MONTHS!!!!!"...
-Then he yelled, "HEY MR BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN!!! (kick) REMEMBER THE 11 COMMANDEMNT? (kick, kick) THOU (kick) SHALL (kick) NOT (kick) RAT ON (kick kick kick) THOU FRIENDS!!! (kick kick kick kick)"
-Then Steiner yelled, "SINCE YOU FOUND GOD, MAYBE GOD CAN HELP YOU FIND YOUR NUTS???" (Then he kicked Sting in the jimmies so hard they flew out of his body and into the seats) "HAVE GOD FIND THOSE FOR YOU, YA MOUTHY LITTLE TATTLETALE!!!!!"
-Tank Abbott walked away as Tony pronounced him evil to the nth power. The show ended on that note.
Short "n' sweet RAW won.....because Bischoff will always blow and you all know it.
Some last thoughts on Owen Hart and this thing is DONE.
Like I said at the top of the RAW column, this won't be an eulogy.....enough people voiced their thoughts and I doubt I could add to them. But, there now that we've had ten days to absorb this, I thought I'd make some observations that I haven't seen anyone really make yet. I tend to look at the big picture of things and wonder about the ramifications of every event...so here are some thoughts, notes, and questions about this whole affair. Not a LOT of them....just a couple.
-The saddest part of all this is that folks who AREN'T "in the know" (those being, the mainstream populace), probably assume that Owen's entire act was that of the "Blue Blazer when in reality, it was just a temporary gimmick.
-The one guy who is having a REALLY bad year is Sting. First Columbine took away his trenchcoat, now Owen Hart took away his rafters drop stunt. What's next? Scientists will discover that face makeup causes testicular cancer? (That was Al Isaacs' joke, told to me privately....I thank him for letting me steal it)
-I am seriously wondering what was going through Owen's mind as he fell? No joke either...it is a morbid curiosity of mine...and probably a lot of you are wondering the same.
-Circumstances not withstanding......how badly would you like to be a fly on the wall at that funeral...and maybe the reception afterwards? Vince, Austin, Hogan, The Warrior, Bret, HBK, Waltman, maybe even Scott Hall?? What were THEY talking about?
-My advice to the WWF....hand the Hart family 20 million dollars TODAY. Hand them 50 MILLION.....because that lawsuit is going to have MAJOR ramifications beyond the financial.
-Owen's widow.....the Hart family in general....the mainstream press....everyone wants to blame someone for this when there really is nobody TO blame. I cannot believe that Vince FORCED Owen on that ceiling under threat of termination...he could have refused. It's like when your dog runs out into traffic and gets hit by a car. You want to KILL the driver....but it was an accident. Accidents happen and sometimes, you just have to let it go like that.
-First the Renegade, then Rude, now Hart.....no wonder they say "Death Comes in 3's"
-How weird is it too...the Renegade went out intentionally in the most violent way...Rude went out unintentionally and in his sleep, while Owen went out unintentionally, but violently as well. I can't think of three more diverse forms of death.
-As gloomy as it may be...if played right, this could help put Jarrett over into the big time. He damn sure has the crowd sympathy, he's got the talent, he's got a great accessory in Debra..now he has the IC belt.
-Speaking of which...I have no doubt that Owen was scheduled to win the belt that night.....which is pretty stupid in retrospect, but still.
-For the first time in at least 20 years, there is no longer a Hart in the WWF....
-I don't know if Al backed my e-mailed suggestion, but I am BEGGING the WWF to rename the King of the Ring the "OWEN HART MEMORIAL KING OF THE RING" Seeing how that and the Slammy awards were Owen's proudest claim..it would fit.
-Vince learned a LOT since Pillman's death and the horrible way he handled it
-Imagine the ratings on RAW should Bret ever choose to go back now.....just imagine.
-Of course..he ain't EVER going back now.
I think.....yeah...I'm done. I'll probably regret writing those down tomorrow....but remember..I did not write this in order to offend and draw bullshit heat. None of the jokes I do are intended for those purposes (well...a few of them are)...this is a column that's supposed to be fun....period. Just me sitting around bullshitting with a bunch of people...cracking wise..telling dirty jokes, and asking questions and making comments that, while inappropriate at a cocktail party, are perfect for a little farting around bull session. This concept works best when real life doesn't abruptly intrude on this little fantasy camp known as pro wrestling. Unfortunately, real life didn't intrude.....it barreled in on our pretend world and took a seat squarely in the middle of the campfire. Under those circumstances, we could either A) Address the problem in a serious, respectful manner or B) Respect it, accept it as a part of life, and try to understand it by incorporating it into this pretend world while realizing that there are those who's lives are forever altered by what happened....and not for the better.
That's what I did, that's what I will do. Owen Hart is dead. It's not fair, it's not funny, and it just plain sucks. I'm sorry he's dead and by talking about it in my own way is only my way of accepting his death...and maybe helping you accept it too.
Enough was NOT enough and it was NOT time for a change.
I said that I won't be eulogizing Owen Hart in this column.
I think I was wrong.
I think that this whole column is my eulogy to him.
This is Hyatte
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